Donate to The Vampire Trust today!
| July 1, 2011 | Posted by Amy Proudfoot under satire, science |
Every ten minutes, a vampire dies of thirst. The blood drought continues and, whatever recent media portrayals would have you believe, real vampires cannot survive on animal blood alone; in fact doing so causes them to lose their sparkle (not literal sparkle, those sort of vampires don’t deserve to be saved) and eventually, sadly, they die. This has caused vampire numbers to decrease to only 5% of their levels in the days of Bram Stoker, despite a perplexing new phenomenon where young teens actually want to be bitten.
But you can help…
Just forty minutes of your time (the actual donation only takes around ten minutes), every sixteen weeks, could help TVT keep a whole coven of vampires in blood, protecting them from diseases such as alliumvitis, a terrible condition where they become susceptible to other members of the onion family in addition to garlic.
Did you know…
Only 4% of us currently donate blood, so only 4% of us get to taste the exquisite vampire-made biscuits that they provide as a thank-you, or receive the stickers that provide immunity from attacks by all beasts of the occult.
Concerned…?
Don’t worry; your blood is screened for many things like HIV and malaria, so there is no risk to the vampires or any of their future victims. At TVT we also take many precautions to ensure that neither you nor our vampires will get any infections and that all our equipment is sterile.
If you have a fear of vampires, but would still like to donate, then don’t worry: no actual vampires will be present at your donation. The blood is instead taken by specially trained nurses and collected in special bags before a willing sacrifice takes them to a coven as needed.
Occasionally the donation may hurt slightly, but don’t worry, it is nowhere near as painful as if the vampire was taking it straight from your jugular and there is also less risk of bleeding to death afterwards.
Also…
If vampires are not your monster (yes, that is the PC term for it) of choice, then did you know that werewolves need a constant supply of bone marrow (in fact, they do not particularly like attacking humans, it’s just an unfortunate fact that getting to the marrow involves mutilation), something that you can donate as soon as you turn eighteen?
NEW: If you are scared of monsters, ghosts and everything that goes bump in the night, then you can also take part in Platelets for Unicorns, a scheme where you can donate just the platelets from your blood up to eight times a year, in order to provide essential nutrients that unicorns need.
Not everyone can give blood (or bone marrow or platelets), but if you can, your time could really help us start to fight back against the decline of the occult. If you can’t, you can still spread the word that vampires cannot be ‘vegetarian’ and survive on animal blood. With your help, we can make a difference.
For more information, please visit www.blood.co.uk.
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Very good article, that out lies the importance of giving blood, yet the fun and intriguing way it has been put across makes it seem more appealing.
May have to sign up and help the cause now, we don’t want the population of Vampires dying out after all, do we?
Very very good article. Reading it provided me with the humour i’ve not had all day.
Not to be a “party-pooper” but i think people should also take note that they are not allowed to give blood if they have ever participated in Oral sex… or had sex with someone who participated in Oral sex. Which as a particular girl noted “whaa!? then who CAN donate”
It’s a shame vampires can be so picky.
Is that true? It seems unlikely… Do you have a link to where it says this is true?
That is not true, really. It’s if you’re male and have an oral (or anal) sex with another man, or if you’re either gender and have had sex with a man in the last 12 months who has had sex with another man. Which is still a little unfair, perhaps, but that’s how it is.
https://secure.blood.co.uk/c11_cant.asp is the page that tells you the general guidance