After roughly two years of keeping us all in suspense, the prime minister has put in motion the miracle that will save our economy. He certainly kept us guessing.
During my brief time at TSR, I’ve pointed the finger at a number of issues that ought to be remedied in order to better mankind. These include, but are not limited to, Michael Gove, Adele’s stance on tax, Harry Redknapp’s stance on tax, England’s stance on Harry Redknapp, Michael Gove, the Daily Mail, horses, News International, Michael Gove, Andy Coulson and Michael Gove.
It turns out that the solution is quite simple: privatise the roads. Plans to reform the NHS proved a unanimous success among those doctors who attended the recent “listening exercise” with health secretary Andrew Lansley, perhaps partly because representatives of the doctors’ colleges that opposed the bill were all otherwise engaged. At the same time. The next logical jump led to the aforementioned master stroke.
The problem with roads is that they need constant upkeep. Everyone keeps driving on them. They’re littered with hub caps and crisp packets, and in the summer they are completely smothered by disgruntled holiday-makers and shed-draggers whose various orifices accumulate an uncomfortable volume of sweat as they contemplate how it might be possible for absolutely no-one to be moving on a motorway. The cost is huge, and we have yachts to purchase.
Naturally, private companies have been champing at the bit when it comes to snapping up this infrastructural gold mine. What may seem to some to be the noxious stench of pollutant and tarmac is clearly the alluring scent of profit to others. The lucky buyer of Britain’s roads will be entrusted with paying for the privilege of resurfacing our carriageways for what could optimistically be described as an eternity. Better still, Cameron has informed us that this can be achieved without incurring a rash of new toll booths on existing roads.
Based on this reasoning, I’m pretty sure that no-one will ever need to pay for roads again. Private companies exist for profit, so they must be making money out of this somehow, right? But we don’t have to pay any tolls, even though the private companies will be having to maintain the roads. As far as I can tell, everybody wins, seeing as the whole point of this exercise is to reduce the proportion of our taxes that gets spent on highway maintenance. It is therefore in our best patriotic and economic interests to buy as many arterial roads, bus lanes and roundabouts as we can get our hands on. I intend to purchase Jeremy Clarkson’s driveway and convert it into a well.
As an extension of this worthy policy, I would like to formally suggest the privatisation of Michael Gove, so that we don’t have to pay for him any more either. Adele’s record company could purchase the rights to her vocal chords, so that she can sing and then cease to vocalise anything further until an appropriate time to sing arrives once again. Personally, I’m surprised that the prime minister didn’t cut the economic corner by a wider margin and subcontract our national debt to China, so that they could pay for it instead.