Okay, maybe “hate” is a strong word. Perhaps “constant sense of annoyance” is more accurate. But, as is probably the case with a lot of people, my homepage is set to Facebook: it’s the first thing I see when I open my web browser. And why not? It’s a useful social tool. You can keep in touch with people who live far away, organise events, and socialise without having to get out of bed or, indeed, dressed.

Sadly, this is where it goes downhill.

I log in and the first thing I see is:

Stacii was tagged in 345 photos in ‘NiGht Outttttttt!!!!


Instead of investigating further and seeing Stacii leering into the camera from a range of provocative angles, I scroll down a bit, and soon find a compelling and thought-provoking status update:

SOO wasted last nite XD lol XD

As you do.

Over the years, I’ve found that, just like working in a coffee shop, spending time on Facebook is fine until the people show up. I’ve managed to divide the various online annoyers into a series of sub-categories. Enjoy.

First, as we’ve seen above with Stacii, one of the most irritating groups on Facebook is the “here are 200 pictures of me in a club” crowd. It’s a free country, and if people want to go to clubs then hey, go for it, but I get the sense that it’s all turning into a game of Top Trumps. Sure, you went to the pub at the weekend and got snapped a few times, but that pales in comparison with the gazillion photos of Stacii smeared in neon paint and being licked by a chav. Why do nights out even revolve around a camera nowadays, for that matter? On the rare occasion that I go into a club, all I see is people constantly posing for photos. Why? When I’m socialising I want to be enjoying myself rather than spending time putting together a digital portfolio of my life that I’ll never look at anyway.

And don’t even get me started on the “duckface” phenomenon.

Next, game requests and the people who send them. I remember the glory days of Farmville, when everyone – including myself – was on it. But despite those days being over, a handful of stragglers yet remain. It’s not just Farmville though. There’s Cityville, Petville, even GoingOutsideAndHavingALifeville for all I know. But why do we have to receive endless requests from you for virtual sheep or coins or whatever? Surely, after ignoring the requests for months, you’d get the hint?

Inadvertently ironic statuses by stupid people. I have to admit that these can actually amuse me endlessly on a good day. On a bad day they make me fear for the future of the human race. Statuses like

before you judge me make sure your perfect

and those that are just plain stupid:

theres no i in happyness <3

I think these speak for themselves, really.

People who endlessly post links to political articles or religious stuff. Or atheist stuff, for that matter. I’m sure there will be people who argue their right to be as loud and grating with their beliefs as they like, but I just think belief systems – religious, political or otherwise – are like having a really nice new car. Sure, be proud of it. Sure, take it for a spin and impress your friends who like the car as much as you do. But for goodness’ sake, don’t sit in it and honk the horn all day.

Pointless status updates. You know what I’m talking about. People letting the world know that they’ve just been for a big poo or that they’re cooking lasagne (hopefully not at the same time). I guess “here is a picture of what I’ve just cooked” falls under this category too. That someone took the time to get out their camera, take a picture and upload it to Facebook just so everyone can see that they’ve cooked a steak genuinely mystifies me.

People hashtagging on Facebook. There is a section of hell specially reserved for people who do this. #LikeMyStatus #PayAttentionToMe #F**kOffBackToTwitter

Media saturation. Bob listened to Moves Like Jagger and 31 other songs on Spotify. And just watched Mock The Week on Netflix. And watched a video on the Guardian about something on the news. Why do we need to know this? It reeks of consumerist saturation, but more than that it’s just annoying. Thanks to Facebook, intimately knowing your friends’ crappy taste in music has never been easier. #ThanksABunch #OhGodI’mDoingItNow