So Would You Dump Me Now?
|April 26, 2012||Posted by Rosie Watterson under entertainment|
I recently watched the most abominable programme I have ever had the misfortune to come across. It was more humiliating than Embarrassing Bodies, more artificial than Extreme Makeovers, and the host was thinner than a toothpick with an eating disorder. Not to mention her botox, which physically hurt to see. What was the name of this abomination, I hear you ask? So Would You Dump Me Now?
A combination of things led to me stumbling across this. If you’ve read my previous piece, you’ll know that I have an almost masochistic choice in television programming, and there was practically nothing on. No, really: we’ve recently switched to Freeview from cable. Times are hard, you know? But what I didn’t realise is that at 01:00 at least three quarters of the channels resort to Eastenders (I’m bad, but I’m not suicidal), some re-run the news, and the rest just turn off. It was a perfect storm.
It starts with a guest crying on the shoulders of two footballers’ wives (who are “hosting” the programme), complaining about the insensitive way their ex of three years treated them. Shortly afterwards, they undergo a makeover – the guest, that is. The hosts actually manage to hold off from another botox for the whole half hour, which judging by their appearance is an impressive feat. So the guest gets ripped apart and rebuilt as a bimbo-to-be in order to confront the unsuspecting ex-boyfriend.
The meeting is just as uncomfortable as you’d expect. The boyfriend receives a call asking him to host a documentary on rock music (a note to all you guys out there: if you ever get asked to host a rock documentary by someone who sounds as though they’ve just staggered off the set of The Only Way Is Essex, run and hide!). He is next lured into a small room, whereupon his ex-girlfriend, the guest of the show, comes in all made up. After uttering such understandable phrases as, “Wh-wh-what’s going on?” and, “I don’t understand…” the boyfriend is coxed onto a sofa with the women, where he is made to apologise. The hosts try to keep it friendly with “Oh, but doesn’t she look great,” which only emphasized the holes in the concept. He didn’t break up with her because she had no botox or a marginally larger waist, he broke up with her because she did crazy things like coax him into small rooms under false pretences and boil his beloved pets.
It may have been the creepiest programme I’ve ever seen.