TSSR EXCLUSIVE: Council Proclaims Comrade Gohardani as Glorious Leader
| April 1, 2012 | Posted by E. Hitchon under features |
Glorious Leader Gohardani will steer TSSR through most difficult circumstances
Following the defection of comrade Davies, the Party Council has unanimously proclaimed Comrade Gohardani as Glorious Leader.
In an extraordinary meeting of Party officials tonight, Comrade Gohardani has been officially declared Glorious Leader. Party officials have released documents showing Comrade Gohardani’s tireless efforts to maintain order within the party over the past three months. It appears from these documents that as the Council became aware of traitor Davies’ increasingly desperate attempts to dismantle the politburo from within, Glorious Leader Gohardani took an increasingly strong role resisting the forces of capitalism and greed. It is believed that his actions have not only saved TSSR, but also increased our readership by 400% with an increase in productivity of 100%; as he works tirelessly to maintain highest quality output in most difficult circumstances.
In a speech to the people, the new Glorious Leader spoke of the great progress made possible by the hard work of the proletariat. He also extended his personal thanks to Stakhanovite Comrades Perkins and Jasim for their tireless help and support, adding: “We should hope all comrades learn from their efforts to make the coming year as successful as the last. Few have produced works in such quantity and such quality.”
Glorious Leader also took the occasion to announce the superiority of TSSR over capitalist newspapers thanks to rapid industrialisation of written word. Liquidation of bourgeoisie under his guidance has helped equally distribute viewing figures among remaining proletariat authors. Glorious Leader added: “Collectivisation of articles has in no way led to famine in the Science section.”
In his closing words he reiterated the importance of vigilance in the fight against capitalism. “Comrade Davies should stand as a warning to us all,” he said. “Capitalism and its vices will try time and time again to infiltrate our number, but we must remain aware, we must remain strong, we must remain united. Long live TSSR!”
Long live Glorious Leader!
April Fools!
The only way is revolution. Down with Trotskyite Davies!
I’m sorry I think I’ve missed something here, when did you guys become communist?
On April 1st only
That’s a shame. I thought I was watching the beginnings of some kind of journalistic revolution – one unrelated to phone hacking.