ASBO: antisocial body odour, and why I pray for rain
|May 29, 2012||Posted by Rosie Watterson under satire|
I am not going to lie, dear reader: I was becoming concerned. College was going well, work was good, exams were practically behind me, and my relationship status was looking pretty stable. All was well. This did not, however, make for good articles – until yesterday I was completely and utterly uninspired.
Then it hit: this brow-dripping, hair-frizzing, rash-inducing blasted heat, and suddenly I am back to my grumpy, snarling self. “Surely,” I thought, “If we are in the Matrix, they wouldn’t make it so bleeding hot.” Now, I am British and therefore it is almost sacrilege to complain about “good” weather, but I personally prefer overcast with a possible drizzle. If there’s fog, I’m totally there. It’s not even that I like these types of weather; they just have pleasing social effects.
Pleasant social effect #1
Rain keeps all the stupid people inside. Well, it obviously doesn’t keep all the stupid people inside, but a much higher proportion decide to stay inside McDonald’s.
Pleasant social effect #2
Bad weather keeps people with body odour at a bearable level of disgusting. It was 24 degrees today, and as I walked through York I passed a homeless man. It was not good. I was filled with deep-seated empathy, and because of this I tried to disguise my retching as spontaneous coughing. It was not just the homeless that had antisocial body odour though, oh no – more than a handful of people I passed today had a smell that, shall we say, failed to delight me. I have two suggestions as to how the York city council can approach this issue, the second more drastic than the first.
My first suggestion is a free deodorant dispensing machine. This could either simply hand out samples of antiperspirant deodorant, or it could be a booth (very much like photo booth) that douses the user in spray. It should not be optional. The second solution involves hiring the fire brigade and filling the truck’s tanks with Sure, Dove, or any deodorant really (preferably not Lynx, but you can only be so fussy), and blasting the whole of York, even those who smell OK – you can never be too sure (see what I did there?).
Pleasant social effect #3
When it rains people walk quickly. I am a rather busy person. In the style of Dr Seuss: I’m busy when it’s hot, I’m busy when it’s not, I’m busy in the sun… You get the idea. What I’m trying to get at is that people walk at least two miles an hour slower in the sunshine, which means I complete my errands much slower, which in turn reduces the time I get to nap before work. This angers me. I’ve realised the weather that gets me the best stuff-to-do to nap ratio is cold and dry. Too hot and you can’t move quickly, too cold and it snows, slowing travel down.
Pleasant social effect #4
I get to wear scarves, and I have some really nice scarves.
Pleasant social effect #5
Would you please put your clothes back on?
Am I a closet conservative, or is it OK to think people should wear more than a bikini in town? Unless H&M is harbouring a storeroom beach, you should not be in swimwear in the city centre; get some real clothes! The pleasant social effect here is that in winter I can at least draw amusement from the plight of the under-dressed female, even if I don’t particularly like her appearance.
For the above reasons you will have to excuse me if I look forward to the end of summer. I think my main problem with this heat is how very uncomfortable I am. I woke up this morning and my hair was too long, my clothes were too tight, my feet hurt, and I was slightly burnt. Worse, I was surrounded by people saying “enjoy it while it lasts” and “isn’t the weather glorious?” No. The weather is not glorious. It is literally stinking hot.