How to extend your e-penis: a practical guide
|May 3, 2012||Posted by Joe Towse under satire|
So, you’ve just realised that being an idiot on the internet is fun and entirely without repercussions, but you want to improve your ability to do so. Well, here at The Student Review, you’re fortunate that we all have 12-inch e-cocks – so we can tell you how! We’ve assigned our most knowledgeable experts on the subject to research it heavily, and we found the optimal way to piss people off. What’s more, we managed to convert our complex algorithm into a simple five-step text form. And so we commence:
Use some basic common sense
Ever wondered why Anonymous is called just that? If you have, and you spent more than three seconds (being generous there) on it, you’re stupid. Although Anonymous claims to have a serious political agenda, it’s just a group of trolls, no different to you or I. We can, however, learn a valuable lesson. Don’t be dumb. Don’t use your real name. Set your gender to the opposite of your own on any forum account you create (no-one will ever guess) and pretend to be a 75-year-old. Or, if you’re 75, pretend to be 15, but don’t be surprised if the police come calling with a paedophilia indictment. If you want to be really sneaky, try posting an “introduction” where you pretend to be someone else entirely! Oh, aren’t you droll.
Lulz take precedent over originality
If you think you’re funny, you’re probably not. Just look at Jack Whitehall. Don’t come up with original jokes – just repeat the same old junk over and over again. It will make everyone respect you more. Consider the old joke, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Everyone prefers it when the punchline is, “To get to the other side lolololololol” rather than, “Because its destination happened to be on the other side.” Comedy never was, and never will be, about the subversion of conversational expectations. In Communist Russia, punchline laughs at you.
Post count > all
You start a new thread at christianforum.com under the title, “Look! New evidence found that proves evolution is fundamentally flawed” and post a picture of a penis inside (not yours, it’s impressing nobody). Nobody is going to look if you don’t have at least over 9000 posts and thus the utmost respect of the community (regardless of the quality of said posts; forum nerds don’t care about what anyone else has to say before they reach n+1 posts). Good ways to run up your post count include spamming Viagra adverts inside the “General Discussion” sub-forum (if you’re banned, plead hax0rz), posting in the “Now Playing” thread (every forum has one) while suffering from a bout of ADHD, and engaging in serious, reasoned debate about topical subjects.
Go all “more underground than thou” on their asses
Everybody really appreciates it when you scoff at their tastes in film, books, music or art and namecheck 10 or 15 projects within said realm of art that they’ve never heard of – it really helps them to understand just how much they suck and you rule. It doesn’t matter if you yourself have never actually engaged with the projects in question, or even whether they actually exist, just so long as you get to wear your sexy hipster glasses frames. A little sub-point here is that you don’t actually need to be knowledgeable about your chosen topic, just so long as you know that by God’s law you must be right and everyone else is Hitler and needs to get their head checked.
Write for The Student Review
For every article you write, you’ll get a free e-wang extension and our heartfelt gratitude. We’ll even send Sep to be your wingman for 20 minutes (travel costs not included, and he takes a 19-minute toilet break to start his shift).