Five reasons we should be glad Pokémon don’t exist
|July 18, 2012||Posted by Tom Astwood under satire|
I understand the title may be distressing or offensive to many readers, but I’m afraid I must insist. If you can’t tell, I’m a fan-boy down to the core. I’ve always played Pokémon, and not on any time scale either – just for as long as I can remember. I digress, however – the world of Pokémon maintains some seriously worrying themes. Here’s my top five:
Lack of proper government or police force
Now I get I might be reading into this too much but on a recent play-through of Pokémon White I noticed something very worrying. Gym leaders are the government: all of it. Each town has its own little gym in which the strongest trainer resides, a worrying sentiment when you remember that the first gym typically has level 10 to 15 Pokémon, yet “youngsters” (typically seven- or eight-year-olds) can have up to 40s or 50s. Here’s an idea: let’s see what happens when you put an eight-year-old in charge of a town or city’s economy. I’m certain this idea leads wholly to the next problem.
The world is rife with crime syndicates
Remember Team Rocket? How about Teams Magma and Aqua? Maybe you recall Team Galactic? And surely you must have heard of Team Plasma, our newest enemies. My point is that each and every region has a major crime syndicate repeatedly pulling off major crimes, including kidnap, assault and GBH on multiple occasions, as well as an inevitable attempt to capture a Pokémon so powerful it has become the stuff of legend. To manage such a feat would invariably lead to their unstoppable takeover of the region… and the world. Luckily, we keep getting supplied with 10-year-olds.
10-year-olds get kicked out of their houses to fend for themselves
Why is it that they said, “You know what seems like a good age to kick someone out of their house? 10”? It just seems a little careless. Especially when you factor in what each of those ten-year-olds’ income comes from: gambling on what are essentially cock fights. At the end of each fight, only one of those kids is going to eat, which is really a shame if your dad gave you a Magikarp (See: Pokémon Silver / Gold / Soul Silver / Heart Gold). Poor kid. And just to think, as well as that not only do they need to feed themselves but also an entourage of pets ranging in size from ants to blue whales. I’m not sure how trainers manage to get their hands on all that krill. There is a reason we fight all this sort of behaviour in Africa – it’s not healthy to have small children fend for themselves. Especially when you consider the sort of power you give them.
WMDs are freely available to almost anyone
You know that Magikarp I mentioned earlier? Think how common they are. Now think at what level they evolve (20, for those of you who can’t remember). Those things are impossibly powerful for what they are. But that’s just conventional weaponry. How about Grimer and Muk? Both of them have caused whole cities to be poisoned in both the original series and in Pokémon Ranger, making them a truly worrying concept. Now for two of the most frightening Pokémon to use in any context – I’ll admit them to be recent Pokémon, but Chandelure and Arceus should never be able to exist. One eats souls (blatantly just a dick move) and the other is supposed to be God (who can apparently be caught by a 10-year-old). I don’t think I need to expand much on that, especially if you think of the religious and ethical consequences.
It’s enough Joey. Okay Joey, yes, I get it. Stop Joey, I don’t want to – damnit Joey, nobody cares! I think I might actively hate that Rattata. It is a sad state of affairs when you actively hate a virtual purple mouse that may or may not happen to be in the top percentage of all Rattata.
Let’s face it, these are good enough reasons. But wouldn’t having Pokémon be worth the horror of having your soul eaten by a ten-year-old’s pet monster? The answer is no. Surely nothing could be worth the calamity that would and does ensue; even flying on the back of a dragon capable of mass destruction isn’t worth that.