Human rights groups from around the world gathered together last weekend to condemn David Cameron’s reaction the the NSA leaks, and the subsequent leaks which have shown the British Government to be joint in a snooping operation with several governments from around Europe. It has been said that our freedom of speech is threatened, I say: good riddance.

Bear with me, I may seem a bit daft right now, but think about it: without free speech all those pesky idiots like Matt Forney wouldn’t be allowed to write the misogynistic junk that he spews out, and the tiny brained fools who agree with him would be silenced too. What could be better?

The same goes for all those pesky unions vying for fair pay. Without freedom of speech they wouldn’t be allowed to strike! Imagine that, all those silly nurses complaining all the time would have to shut up – finally. I mean can you believe that people who work twelve and a half hour shifts and get covered in god knows what, could possibly have the cheek to compare themselves to politicians? It’s a scandal, but no worries, without free speech, those pesky nurses will have to be quiet and our politicians will get their thirty percent pay rise, which they clearly deserve.

Without unions, there won’t be any minimum wage, which means all those poor people being abused in developing countries will be free from our greed. Because we’ll be just as cheap! Now I think about it, we won’t need half of the things we buy anyway. So it’s a bonus for the environment too.

If we’re talking about unions, let’s remember the Human rights groups who started this. All that nonsense about not water-boarding people in Guantanamo, they clearly don’t understand how hard it is to invade foreign countries without a just cause, by torturing people we gain false but convenient information. Like, you know, WMDs in Iraq. But hey, without freedom of speech those irritating groups will be disbanded and we can get on with our immoral hunt for oil.

Or perhaps you find it hard to read about all the gruesome, gory happenings on our planet? Don’t panic! Without freedom of speech, there wouldn’t be a free press to spread those nasty, inconvenient stories, we’d have a cushty state press in its place, telling us about all the wonderful things happening in our country.

Are you beginning to worry about who to vote for at the next general election? Well, worry no more my friend! When we get rid of this awkward freedom to express ourselves that we have been laboured with, we won’t get a vote! In fact we won’t need to worry about government at all. The super rich, Eton educated folks will take care of that; all we plebeians need to worry about is – well, nothing! It will all be decided for us. If we are really lucky, we won’t even be stuck with silly names, our dear leaders will simply brand us with a number so our little minds don’t get all confused when we meet new people – actually there won’t be any meeting people, we might accidentally show an opinion.

Getting a bit old? Scared of dying alone? Well, put those fears at rest! When we reach an appropriate age, our DNA will be tested and we will be mated with the best match. Oh! And all forms of sexism of course will be out of the window. Actually, now I think about it, we won’t need genders any more, because there won’t be any sex, even in mating – it’ll be done in a sterile laboratory, obviously!

No more, discussions about how to look after the children either, once the babies are born they will be sent off to gigantic orphanages so that their sperm and womb donors don’t have any kind of affect on their impressionable minds. As far as I can see, it’s the simplest, easiest way of living.

This article is a huge exaggeration of the current situation, of course, but still. If we can no longer trust that our phone calls and emails are private, how can we trust anything else?