Being friends with me on Facebook is hard.  Actually, I’d go so far as to say it’s probably harder than being friends with me in person. This is because I will judge you on what you write/ post/ share, I will probably not give you a second chance and I shall feel no guilt for unfriending you. It might seem harsh, but I go on Facebook to be amused and I will not hesitate to “cull” my “friends” based on any criteria I want. It is my Facebook, I’ll do what I like. So based on that take-no-prisoners approach I thought I’d share the things that annoy me most.

Intentionally vague yet not very vague status updates.

“Why should I bother with some people? I mean, I try so hard and they just reject me. They should all just grow up.”

Sound familiar? I hate these. I just don’t see the point. Either complain to the person, or shut up. You must be friends with them on facebook, or why would you bother writing this? Why don’t you private message them? I don’t mind the odd one, though they do make me sigh, but sometimes I have two or three in a row. Usually I forgive the first person, but tend to unfriend the second person out of frustration. It’s not a very fair system I admit, but why should I have to read about your messy social life? Choose better friends. If your friends turn out rubbish, ACTUALLY unfriend them. (I’m pretty shoot-to-kill in real life as well).

Sad emotive stuff about animals

If I see a starving dog, a neglected horse or a cat without a funny meme on my newsfeed I will unfriend you. I don’t want to see animal abuse on my wall. I know Facebook is an irresistible source of publicity, and I do support foundations such as RSPCA, but there is still no reason to dampen my already sludgy mood with sad photos. I will hold you personally responsible for anything you post on your wall, and if you want to spread stories of animal misery our online-relationship just isn’t going to work.

Compulsory group conversations

Today my housemates created a group conversation. They added me. Reasonably I suppose as I do in fact live in the house. It was all going find until they started to talk seriously about the freezer. Struck with “I don’t give a crap” I left the conversation, only to be ADDED BACK not moments later. Well this made me panic a little bit. But ok, they want to talk about freezers, whatever. Then things got really annoying. Then the head boy; leader of the noisy parties, the individual who is most at blame for my sleepless nights, complained at being kept up on Tuesday. That was not all. He then suggested we “keep it down” this week and “calm down” in general.  I was livid. I could feel my heart pounding. I struggled not to type “EAT SHIT” into the conversation box – no, this would help nothing. Instead I unfriended them. All of them. Every last one. And do you know what? It feels good.

Being the ex of my partner

Speaks for itself really. I don’t automatically unfriend my ex-boyfriends, in fact I still have most of them on facebook. But as soon as I find the dreaded ex-girlfriend of my partner, they go straight into the blocked list. I do not want to see your posts on his wall. I do not want to see your picture. I do not want you to message him going “awh she’s so pretty” because I know what that means. I am having none of your nonsense. Goodbye. Also under this category is old friends I’ve fallen out with, and people who have written annoying things on other people’s walls. I have a ridiculously long blocked list, but why not? I am censoring my own facebook. If you make me angry or you’re playing “cute” with my boyfriend, you will be shot. By shot I mean blocked, of course.

If you feel strongly about stuff

I find gay pride annoying. Don’t get me wrong, I support gay equality, I think gay people should be able to get married, I’m against oppression. But seriously, shut up. I mean, I also support feminism but you don’t hear them going on and on about it. I’m missing the point in a provocative way. What I’m trying to say is that I find extreme “pro-“ posters and pictures just as annoying as “anti-“ posters and pictures. If you’re for gay marriage, fine. If you’re not, whatever. But please don’t clog up my news feed with your political opinions, there are shaved llamas and funny cats that better need my attention. This also goes for anti-fracking, student union elections and anything else you may feel strongly about. If it’s not funny, I don’t want to see it. (I realise that recently I have spammed you with my own political posters, but you would have been within your rights to unfriend me.)

Do not troll me

If you troll me. If you say unpleasant things. If you are just slightly over critical when I’m having a sensitive day, you’re as good as gone. I might even block you. I do not need that sort of negativity in my life. Some people seem to find being argumentative enjoyable and I admit, I did argue over facebook once or twice when I was thirteen….but I’m twenty now. Even moving is an effort. I really don’t need the stress of pointless rows.

If you correct my grammar

I have good grammar. OK, I make a few mistakes every now and again, but on the whole it’s not bad. This is of course, only when I’m trying. When I’m on Facebook I’m relaxing and I’m probably tired, so I abbreviate, I overuse hyphens and ellipsis, I do a whole load of things that if writing formally, I’d never dream of doing. This is why it gets my back up when some know-it-all comes waltzing in and corrects my grammar. DAMNIT bitch I wasn’t even trying! Why would you do that, other than to prove yourself a complete knob? If you correct my grammar, typos or spelling on facebook, I will think long and hard about the direction of our facebook friendship. It’s not you, it’s me. You deserve to have a facebook friend with immaculate grammar and spelling and I just can’t be that for you. I’m sorry.

So, I hear you say, what can you do to be spared the great axe of “delete”? Well, here’s a few things that I love. Funny animal pictures, pictures of your pets, photos of the crazy exciting food you’ve been eating, good news, happy status updates, articles you’ve written, pictures of your new beard, chat about TV shows you like, “likes” on my status, funny statuses that I want to “like”, news that you’ve lost weight, news that you’ve had a baby (and subsequently probably lost weight), and also reposting my articles to your wall never goes unnoticed. Hint hint.

Photo Credit: mkhmarketing via Compfight cc