Why would anyone go to Gdansk?
| September 24, 2012 | Posted by Rosie Watterson under international |
Why would you want to go to Gdansk? Well it’s a long story, but a week after checking our flights were not refundable we turned up, suitcases in hand, ready to make the best of things. With a mental image of a semi-communist Germany-meets-Russia-in-the-snow kind of place, we were pleasantly surprised to find the weather was perfectly habitable – no, not even that, the weather was beautiful. And, much to my personal delight, seemingly capitalist. Gdansk I mean, not the weather. We arrived at Dwor Oliwski around midday, a beautiful five-star spa hotel situated 10km from the airport; admittedly, we weren’t ‘slumming it’. Though owing to the exchange rate (Pounds to Zloty), it cost about £40 a night, which added… more
Bartering with God
| June 26, 2012 | Posted by Rosie Watterson under entertainment, satire |
I watch far too much television. Proven fact. Although it may seem obvious to an outsider, it only struck me yesterday while procrastinating to avoid my biology revision. I was thinking: “You know what? Television, it’s kind of like life.” And this sent me onto a long tangent, as the similarities seemed to line-up and pair-off in my head (sort of like DNA replication, really), until I concluded that talented individuals are like adverts. There are many adverts that piss me off: gocompare.com, moonpig.com, that underdog one with the silhouette that looks nothing like a dog, and the list goes on. These adverts seem to be on the television for an interminable length of time, almost to the point that I’m… more
They said I couldn’t give blood… I guess I went there in vein!
| June 2, 2012 | Posted by Rosie Watterson under satire |
I have a new hatred to add to my collection: blood donation adverts. Don’t get me wrong, blood donation is a brilliant thing; not only is it vital for saving lives, but it’s a charitable, selfless act. Until a few years ago I hadn’t thought about it much, assuming that when I was 17 I could leisurely stroll up, donate blood, eat some chocolate and that would be that. How wrong I was. This isn’t an anecdotal article about a terrible blood donating experience I had – if only I had got that far! This is about the ridiculously high standards set by an organization that is apparently in desperate need of volunteers, and about the misleading adverts claiming inclusiveness.… more
ASBO: antisocial body odour, and why I pray for rain
| May 29, 2012 | Posted by Rosie Watterson under satire |
I am not going to lie, dear reader: I was becoming concerned. College was going well, work was good, exams were practically behind me, and my relationship status was looking pretty stable. All was well. This did not, however, make for good articles – until yesterday I was completely and utterly uninspired. Then it hit: this brow-dripping, hair-frizzing, rash-inducing blasted heat, and suddenly I am back to my grumpy, snarling self. “Surely,” I thought, “If we are in the Matrix, they wouldn’t make it so bleeding hot.” Now, I am British and therefore it is almost sacrilege to complain about “good” weather, but I personally prefer overcast with a possible drizzle. If there’s fog, I’m totally there. It’s not even… more
Umbrella jousting
| May 11, 2012 | Posted by Rosie Watterson under satire |
I was trudging home one rainy afternoon, pondering the wretchedness of my being, when I was smacked in the face with an umbrella. For a split second I imagined grabbing the umbrella and stuffing it up… actually, never mind. Safe to say I was somewhat overwhelmed by my anger, and after thinking about it I realised that umbrellas annoy me. No, more than annoy: enrage, inflame, infuriate – you get the picture. So, in my usual manner, I’m now going to list the aspects of umbrella usage that drive me mad. Hopefully the anger will then be out of my system. Who, in their right mind, created a device that explodes outwards with metal spikes at eye level? In fact,… more
Who cares about finding X anyway?
| April 29, 2012 | Posted by Rosie Watterson under satire |
I spend a lot of my time watching television programmes I frankly can’t stand. And it was during one of these masochistic sprees that I found myself watching a quasi-news programme on maths. As if this wasn’t bad enough, there was a 20 minute piece on the importance of algebra: a concept that is against everything I believe in. I’ve always been under the impression that algebra was a mere instrument to keep me in full time education for five years longer than necessary. Even the mathematicians among you have to agree that teaching an arty-music-oriented-historian the importance of X was a waste of time; Mrs Best certainly didn’t slave over her degree to teach the likes of me. And I… more
So Would You Dump Me Now?
| April 26, 2012 | Posted by Rosie Watterson under entertainment |
I recently watched the most abominable programme I have ever had the misfortune to come across. It was more humiliating than Embarrassing Bodies, more artificial than Extreme Makeovers, and the host was thinner than a toothpick with an eating disorder. Not to mention her botox, which physically hurt to see. What was the name of this abomination, I hear you ask? So Would You Dump Me Now? A combination of things led to me stumbling across this. If you’ve read my previous piece, you’ll know that I have an almost masochistic choice in television programming, and there was practically nothing on. No, really: we’ve recently switched to Freeview from cable. Times are hard, you know? But what I didn’t realise is… more
I hate that I love that
| April 18, 2012 | Posted by Rosie Watterson under lifestyle |
Let me start by saying I’m not proud of much in this article. In fact, most of it fills me with a deep-rooted shame. As you read you will likely say to yourself, “Wow, I really thought she was better than that,” and all I can say is yes, so did I – but it appears I’m not. Run fat boy, run! Unfortunately I don’t mean the film, which would be perfectly acceptable to like. Rather, I’m talking about the programs based around grossly obese people trying to lose weight. There’s just something engrossing about them (see what I did there). As if this weren’t embarrassing enough, I always make sure to be eating some sort of junk food while watching,… more
Famous poems that don’t completely suck
| April 16, 2012 | Posted by Rosie Watterson under poetry |
I like to think that, after six-ish articles, we trust each other, you and I. That when I tell you these poems are not completely terrible, you’ll believe me. I have to admit, I’m a poem person, but I understand why some people aren’t. And I’ve chosen these four poems in the hope that I might convert you. This Be The Verse by Philip Larkin They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at… more
“I don’t know you any more”
| April 13, 2012 | Posted by Rosie Watterson under lifestyle |
A few days ago, my best friend Georgia’s mother yelled, “I don’t know you any more,” mid argument. OK, she was seeing red at the time, but she had a point. Georgia hasn’t gotten on with her mother for years and most of the time she avoids going home for this reason. But how long does it really take to stop knowing someone? How many unspoken opinions and hidden passions does it take before neither person actually knows the other? We like to think we know lots of people. It makes us feel secure. But if Georgia’s mother doesn’t know her, then surely we have set the standards of “knowing” too low. Think about it: what is knowing? Is it… more
