Five reasons not to diet
| April 12, 2012 | Posted by Rosie Watterson under lifestyle |
I detest diets in the same way I detest vodka: I tried it once, and hated how it tasted and made me feel. So I stopped drinking it. I then found myself surrounded by people who hated it as much as me but seemed unable to put the glass down. OK, they might go a couple of days, weeks or months sober, but sooner or later they started drinking it again and complaining all the while. I started by being angry at these people: “If being on a diet makes you miserable, stop!” I then became confused: “Why go on a diet just to eat a doughnut and then feel terrible?” And now I’m at a stage of uncharacteristic pity: “You make… more
Little bit of strength
| April 11, 2012 | Posted by Rosie Watterson under lifestyle |
I was walking through town in my new shoes. It was an overcast day but I didn’t care. Heading towards the fountain where I was to meet someone, I saw a woman staggering around. “Drunk,” I thought to myself. I then saw her lying down in the middle of the pavement. “Very drunk.” She was wearing an outfit that would have been fine in a night club, but was somewhat out of place in the sober daylight. Thinking little about her, I looked around for the person I was meeting. As I wandered, waiting, I heard an “Excuse me.” “Can you help me up?” she asked, and, as I pulled, she said something that only struck me an hour later,… more
Five insects that are far less afraid of you
| April 9, 2012 | Posted by Rosie Watterson under lifestyle |
It is a common phrase, “It’s more afraid of you than you are of it,” and most of the time it holds true. But there are, I’m afraid, a few exceptions our well-meaning grandmothers didn’t tell us about. Japanese giant hornet I can already hear you saying it: “OK, it’s a hornet… Worth avoiding, but really not that scary, right?” Wrong. It’s the size of your thumb. It produces acid. It produces acid and sprays it into your eyes. This acid attracts other hornets that come and sting you until you are no longer alive. As if this weren’t bad enough, I’d like to send your mind back to the first time you were stung by a bee: ouch. Imagine… more
When you do that, I realise I hate you
| April 5, 2012 | Posted by Rosie Watterson under satire |
Dear blonde woman in the street, You thought no one saw you throw that plastic bottle into the river. I did. Would it not have been so painfully hypocritical, I would have thrown you in the river after it. Yours sincerely, A half-decent human being Following on from my last ranting article, I am going to expand my horizons and tell you about a number of the things people do that fill me with a sense of undying hatred. As always, I will be rating them on my Richter Scale of rage. I’ve started with a cracker: people throwing things into the river gets a trembling 8.5 Richter values (if we’re using the Scale, we’re using the terminology). Next: looking… more
Dear Spotify, please find my suggestions enclosed
| March 30, 2012 | Posted by Rosie Watterson under entertainment |
Spotify’s top of the charts: Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye Starships by Nicki Minaj Wild Ones (feat. Sia) by Flo Rida Titanium by David Guetta Drunk by Ed Sheeran Let me start by saying I have nothing against any of these songs. Ok, that’s not exactly true; I am going to complain about them in a minute. But what I’m trying to say is this: I have recently listened to these songs and enjoyed them, but I feel I could improve the list slightly. I’ve also tried to pick songs with a similar concept… you’ll pick it up as we go along. Gotye vs Swedish House Mafia Somebody That I Used To Know is certainly an acquired… more
Things that annoy me more than having only one arm
| March 24, 2012 | Posted by Rosie Watterson under satire |
Things that annoy me about having one arm? Er… Truthfully, having only one arm isn’t annoying. Well, 98% of the time. To me, it’s the perfect midpoint between having more arms than you know what to do with and not enough; though many would disagree. Unfortunately, there is still that 2% of arm-induced anger that thwarts my life. So, in an attempt to release 18 years worth of pent up rage, here’s my detailed account of things that simply do my head in, with a few unrelated peeves thrown in just for fun. Enjoy. First, salad tongs – harmless, you might say. Well you’d be wrong. Let me set the scene. You’re at a nice dinner, you’ve put a nice… more
